Mr. Sawyer's Food Review

(A gift from a student, with a review in return. 

The cupcake had the word "loser" on it in rainbow colors. That's all.)

The Loser Cupcake

Wrapped at the bottom and free at the top, fluffy, frosting-covered, good for a snack, most cupcakes act as ephemeral delegates of nonchalance and careless enjoyment. Rolling with all the punches, cupcakes are to the body what surfer bums are to modern society: though they may not be active contributors to the well-being of the whole, they require little thought and remind you that there is, in fact, happiness in the small things. This is true of most cupcakes, even if they have been a little burnt around the edges, even if the frosting has been smushed slightly out of place.

But this cupcake was in a class of its own. If most cupcakes are surfer bums, then this cupcake was their surfer-slacking king. It had never held a real job for any period of time, it always hit perfect waves, and upon eating it, I could honestly believe that the weather would never change from 75 degrees and slightly cloudy – with a perfect southerly breeze. It shouted in blue and red and orange and yellow that the rainbow could be incarnate; it sang Bob Marley to my taste buds; it dreamt of a life without worries, and it had no inhibitions. To say it was a reminder of happiness in the small things is an insult: it was a reminder of utter euphoria, in taste and in appearance.

Ah, or it would have been, but for one small thing. You see, this cupcake apparently thought it was a loser – or that I was – and so my enjoyment did not reach its absolute apex. If this cupcake, this manna of the sugary heavens, is a loser, then how must the many inferior cupcakes of the world feel in comparison? And if I was a loser, then how did the cupcake not bespeak this in its taste? Am I such a loser that even a loser cupcake seemed delicious to me? And so against this single (delicious) loser cupcake, I hold forth the single complaint that it is self-contradictory and entirely unfair.

Maybe the next one will send a better message. I should hope it will taste as good.